sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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