The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My vagina is officially offended.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
