She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
