you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
