He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
