I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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