There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
