have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
