I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
