My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
