you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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