The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
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I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
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I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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