I wanna bring you to show and tell
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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