got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She bit a glass in half.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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