I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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