I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
