i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
