I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
