operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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