I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
