There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.