So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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