sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
