I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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