nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
