I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he puts the penis in happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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