be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
