I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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