I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
