my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
