he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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