She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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