I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Green mimosas i think yes
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
