I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
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I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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