paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There r osticjed everywhere
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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