Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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