we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
