you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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