First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
