shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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