Just fell off a train. Bad.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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