what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
