u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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