Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
