Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I supernannyed him into submission
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
