New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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