I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
