I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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