i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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