Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
