The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
