Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
