This girl is more easily done than said...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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