Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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