I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
