I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
