so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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